hang on

the other day I was reminiscing about my last birthday and how fun it was to turn 25 etc when all of a sudden i realised that 25 wasnt my last birthday, that was 2 birthdays ago and holy jesus I am about to turn 27. (in a couple of months). I feel old, for the first time. Not old old, just old enough to be grown up. Adult. Definitely not just a year or 2 out of high school, definitely not at uni anymore.

This has an upside that I like though - I now feel ok doing adult things. For a long time I felt too young for stuff, like job promotions and buying expensive appliances and having nice things in the house, instead I felt inexperienced, like I couldnt justify proper fridges and vacuums when I could just have the old one from my parents friends beach house for free, if I drove down and picked it up.

When I was in Paris last year my boy and I were discussing our financial situations after 3 weeks on holiday and I mentioned that I hadnt put anything on my credit card yet (first credit card, unused, had only applied for it in case of emergency whilst overseas/if I ran out of money). He was appalled, and insisted that I go out and buy something amazing. After much discussion he decided I should buy My Bag, also known as a Louis Vuitton Alma in Epi leather. I blushed and ducked my head and went all shy and thought "I cant buy it! I'm not old enough! I cant afford it! People will think i'm some young upstart with rich parents trotting out a designer bag! no! how completely ridiculous!". I tried to explain this to the boy but he totally didnt understand and looked at me like I was an idiot. He was convincing enough though to get me out into the major shops to have a look and weigh up the options.

We went to Chanel and Dior and LV and many others, me madly regretting wearing thongs and wondering if my parents would telepathically know I was considering spending so much money on a handbag when I could have been using it to pay rent or some crap and I'd have instant regret as soon as the receipt was signed, only to resign myself to the fact that I could never USE the bag, or even show it to anyone, I would be so ashamed of myself.

Eventually though boy got through to me and I realised- I can do this. I'm ALLOWED. I have a real job, I have savings, I'm on HOLIDAY in PARIS and WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I GOING TO BUY. So we walked all the way back to LV and I bought it. The greatest moment ever. Then I went a little nuts and tried to convince him to buy some kanye red sneakers, and then to see if I could get some leather Dior gloves in my size (sadly not).

And slowly but surely ever since then, I have become used to the fact that I am grown up now. My mother was horrified when I told her how much the bag was (I lied, of course, I couldnt tell her the actual amount), and now she thinks I am out of control cos I am quite prepared to buy other expensive items (with the credit card, initial plans to cut it up on the plane home never quite eventuated), but I feel now I can have proper things. In a grown up house. And wear red lipstick. And its ok to surround myself with the things I like rather than keep them hidden. And I am not the young, casual uni student at work anymore, I'm supposed to have a say and be involved and want a career. Its very liberating!