I spy at the races

Its what, 13 degrees this morning? With a definite looming of rain? Those girls going to the races must know something I dont, I reckon, either that or its magically 10 degrees warmer out at Flemington. On my way to work today I saw more flesh than I have in the last week. I've seen bare legs, bare arms, bare shoulders, and the bosoms! My god.

Remember that column by Maggie Alderson years ago that was then published in her Handbag Heaven book? About spotting "celebrity" hair styles on normal people? 6 points for Sarah Jessica Parker, 10 points for Cameron Diaz? You can do the same with Race Day Decolletage.

For 5 points, the J-Lo. This is usually halterneck, usually slit low enough to see a little of the top of the stomach, occasionally held up somehow with tape or something, but generally freeboobin', and jigglin'. If you catch her on her way to the races she will probably be running with a slight hobble (due to impossible shoes) and if you are unfortunate you might catch a wayward nipple. (Dress is usually fitted around waist with flared out skirt, in a pattern of some kind, often bright colours.)

For 4 points, The Sarah Jessica Parker. This is usually not overt cleavage, but instead covered up with a sweetheart neckline strapless dress. 50's style, with a big skirt. There are a lot of these at the races. Coupled with shoes that have bows on the toes (tows?), and some kind of awkward fascinator, they seem to be the simplest option. Luckily you wont see too much boob, unless she loses her dress completely (which isnt entirely off the cards, depending on her level of drunkenness) but she will probably be sunburnt on her shoulders, back and arms, poor love.

For 7 points, the Posh Spice. She gets more points cos its a harder one to pull off (and I like her). This is the extreeeeeemmmmeeely tight dress, with hem somewhere betweem bottom and knee, depending on skank level, often strapless but sometimes with those very wide-set thin straps. Underneath this glad-wrapped frock is one mother of a push up bra. It lifts, separates, then PUSHES so she has 2 perfectly round half globes showing out the top of the dress. She is often very tanned, very skinny, with very high heels and a proper hat.

Next is what I like to call the Sporty Girl Next Door. She is part Swimmer, part tennis player, part basketballer. There is no specific celebrity for this but if you imagine Jodi Henry crossed with Martina Hingis, you are on the right track. She has the buffed body, the muscly legs and arms, with a floral v necked, a line skirted, thick strapped dress. She wear heels, but not too high, and cant wait to get them off so she can party properly. Her hair is out, she has a hat, but it will spend most of the day on someone elses head while she laughs hysterically. The cleavage is small, subtle, and usually naturally tanned. She likes the races, but wants to go to the pub after. 6 points.

Lastly, theres the Queen Latifah. This voluptuous lady has a great silhouette, and shows it off with a wrap dress/cross over neckline. She gets a cleavage you could keep $300 in, and she is proud. She usually wears loud colour, with a big hat, and some saucy heels. Loves the champagne, and isnt afraid to plonk down on the picnic rug for some man-scouting. 7 points.

Rare is the Lindsay Lohan or Mischa Barton at the races. Mischa wears something loose and sheer, with flats and wavy hair. Hippie hat, and no bra. Lindsay wears some killer shoes, and something short, possibly loose but tight around the hem, with a crazee hat and no bag (so 2 free hands). Also no bra. 9 points for either of these.

I saw one Posh Spice, at least 4 J-los, 5 SJPs and a Queen Latifah this morning. None of them wore coats. One of them had a cardi on. I was wearing jeans, 2 tshirts and a leather jacket. It had rained already. It was 9.30am.

The boys meanwhile seem to be stuck on the "suit with pale cream/white/nude crocodile skin (faux) shoes with pointy toes, hair dishevelled into a mohawk/spiky/blond tips combination". Its not always a good look guys, especially if your pants are slightly too short, which is my absolute worst male style pet hate. I know you think the suits look great, and they do, but the shoes and hair are letting you down.

The best racewear I saw this morning was almost entirely on older women (I mean women over the age of approx. 45, I dont not mean any offence, especially as they all look so damn good). They were almost all wearing very chic black and white combinations, with stunning PROPER hats (chuck the fascinators, girls, please), great shoes and glowing skin. I saw about 4 of them today. I call her the Helen Mirren. 10 points for her. She has great hair.

The other winner was probably what you would label the "Gemma Ward". Tall, thin, very long toned legs, with a short black and white tunic on, small jacket (she clearly has brains) hat that looked great from one angle, and slightly egg-timer-y from another (not holding that against her, it was outside the box, so its a plus) and cool heels. That she could walk in. Maybe she was sent from a designer to be in Fashions on the Field, apparently that happens a lot with models, or maybe she just has great style, and lovely poise. 10 points.